Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again?
Honest? Yes. Offensive? Probably. A bit of light-hearted fun? Definitely!
When I first thought about writing a blog about Corona Virus over 2 weeks ago, it was going to be the third addition to my Never Go Full Retard Series.
- It was going to be a heartfelt letter to the original f*ckwit who looked at a bat and thought ‘mmm tasty gotta get me some of that’. Giving a whole knew definition to bat-sh*t crazy.
- A letter to the media whom the term ‘retard’ doesn’t fully encapsulate.
- To the f*ckwits that stopped buying Corona beer, because of COVID-19 and yes… To the ones who did buy it, just to share a photo of it on their socials for lols.
- It was going to be to Scomo, for his hideous mispronunciation of the word ‘barre’.
- To the TV networks who for some reason feel that it is still necessary to broadcast Footy Classified, DESPITE THERE BEING NO FOOTY!
- To the AFL who banned players from hugging and high-fiving after a goal, DESPITE THE ENTIRE GAME CONSISTING OF AGGRESSIVE CUDDLING IN THE SHAPE OF TACKLES.
- To the d*ckheads ignoring the legislations and not quarantining or still meeting in large groups after the lockdown, whether it be at a party or the beach (DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT THE QUICKER WE LOCK DOWN THE QUICKER THIS SH*TSTICK SITUATION WILL BE OVER?!)
- And to Australians (AS A WHOLE) whom doomsday shopped sh*t tickets out of existence because apparently a RESPIRATORY VIRUS is going to lead to your demise via EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA?! Like what?
It is safe to say, that if by some unfortunate turn of events we are attacked by zombies… WE ARE ALL F*CKED!!
But, if there is one good thing to come from all of this, there is going to be a ripper YouTube compilation of all the Boomer Technology Fails once all this is over.
But then Corona hit and it hit hard (like an unexpected belly flop that leaves you with a red stomach, gasping for air and wondering how many ribs you’ve broken), HARD.
Thousands upon thousands getting sick at an unprecedented rate, people dying left right and centre and nobody quite knowing what to do. After all, no one has faced a pandemic quite like this before. And suddenly it didn’t seem right to take the piss, I wanted to write a light hearted piece to raise everyone’s spirits in what is otherwise a very testing time, but I also needed to be respectful of what has occurred and what is still to come.
It is often times like these (when you are stuck, in your house, licking walls -or is that just me? Because insanity has well and truly set in) that we learn some of our greatest lessons, which I would like to share with you now:
1.Mother Nature is PISSED and we’re all grounded!
About this time every 100 years, there is a big f*ck off illness that sweeps the globe. I believe she put that festy bat specifically in front of humans, counting on stupidity and natural selection to cause wide spread illness and death. She was sick of us destroying the planet so she in effect sent us all to our rooms without supper. The rivers are now clear, the coral reefs are rejuvenating quicker than ever and pollution is simply disappearing. She is starting a clean slate, so that we can f*ck it up all over again for another 100 years.
2.Listening to Trump’s press conferences is like watching a goldfish swimming around it’s bowl, constantly hitting its head on the glass, but forgetting because of it’s 2 second memory span… And then doing it all over again. I have no doubt that I lose braincells watching him, he is basically the human version of Dory from Finding Dory.
3.Daytime TV sucks balls, I DON’T EVEN GET ELLEN ON THE ELLEN SHOW ’CAUSE EVEN ELLEN IS QUARANTINED! Ergh.
4.There is two ways I am coming out of this isolation… Buff or Obese. There is no in between… And Netflix and Microwave popcorn is currently winning.
5.See Below
6.If mother nature isn’t behind all of this, then Eric Yuan is. He is the creator of Zoom, and the reason behind my daily PTSD when I go to bed each night -Cheers Monash.
7.THERE IS NO WAY THAT PHYSIOTHERAPY SHOULD BE TAUGHT ONLINE! Lectures maybe, pracs? NO! HOW AM I MEANT TO LEARN HOW TO CRACK A BACK ONLINE?
8.What the f*ck is House Party and why do I love it so much?
9.I will NEVER take for granted the gym or basketball EVER again!
10.There is a reason why dogs are man’s best friend. Regardless of how sh*tty life might get over the next few months, our dogs will be at the door with puppy dog eyes, a giant smile and a wagging tail waiting to be let in to give us all the licks. For them, having you home every day is like all their wishes have been granted (maybe not all their wishes, I’m sure they’d love a big juicy bone, but ‘ey one outta two ain’t bad).
And last but not least, the Golden Rule:
You might be isolated in your house, but it is those you share it with that make it a home. Regardless of how close you are with your family, appreciate and make the most of the time you are being given together. Because nobody knows when it could be taken away.
The last thing I want to finish with is, DON’T FORGET THAT WE ARE THE LUCKY ONES!
- If you are healthy, YOU ARE A LUCKY ONE
- If you have a job (regardless of how much you hate it), YOU ARE A LUCKY ONE
- If you have a roof over your head, YOU ARE A LUCKY ONE
- If you have a family who will support you if things go south, YOU ARE A LUCKY ONE
- If you have friends just a phone call or text away, YOU ARE A LUCKY ONE
If you live in Australia, YOU ARE A LUCKY ONE. People are struggling and I can’t even begin to imagine what that could be like, nor do I suggest that I ever could. But it is easy to forget when sh*t hits the fan in a monumental way, that IT IS GOING TO BE OK. We are not Italy, we have world class health care and do not have to play God, deciding who is going to live and who dies based on availability of treatment and services. Our land mass is huge and we do not have 60 million people living on top of each other on a piece of land the size of Victoria. And while the lines might be long, the wait time excruciating and a website that gets hacked or crashes… We still have Centrelink and Medicare to help us get back on our feet when times get rough.
At the end of the day, if event cancellations, isolation and (for some) money trouble are the worst of our worries. THEN WE ARE DOING OK! It could be much worse and the images that will come out of many 3rd World Countries over the next few months will undoubtedly depict this.
But for now, be thankful for the sun rising and setting each day, the air in your lungs and the important things you do have rather than what you don’t. I ain’t going to sugar coat it… Sh*t has not only hit the fan, but it has been thrown all over the f*cking roof, walls and everyone in the room. Those people have then got gastro because of the sh*t, so the floor now has their diarrhea and vomit all over it.
It’s going to be a rough time for the best of us, but we’ve proved time and time again that when us Aussies come together, WE ARE UNSTOPPABLE. Help each other in whatever way you can and make sure that you are always asking R U OK? Because nobody should feel helpless or alone, not now, not ever.
If you are struggling, please reach out, if not to me, to these helplines:
Lifeline Australia — 13 11 14
